Longing for Abandon

Apr 14, 2013 | Blog

Completely intoxicated on fumes from a noxious wood sealing project, I ran a stop light.  The officer was right on the spot.  He gave me a ticket, rightfully so.  He informed me that I could be arrested for DUI.  I don’t even drink yet I was a wreck. Having taken all the precautions of respirator, protective clothing etc I had still been marinating in fumes.  He could smell them, my story rang true. I was close to home and considerably more present than I had been when I sailed through that light. He sent me on my way. This was years ago, I was still ordained as a nun and scrapping about to make ends meet doing odd jobs, some of them very odd indeed.  
Years later I deal with another kind of intoxication.  Although this flood of chemicals may not compromise my driving skills they seem to have been at cause for great distraction: blinded by longing or inspired to believe I possess some kind of super powers, on occasion my life careening out of control.  I refer to a combination of adrenaline and hormones.
Recently, under the sway of these naturally occurring and ever present chemicals, I had been building on a high for a week or so. I was preparing to perform in this years production of the Vagina Monologues, timing, delivery on my mind. Will I open the space for a laugh?  Will they hear what is serious?  This show is a powerful voice of a powerful social movement. It is a show that can change things if done well. It involves strong women alive in their femaleness. Vaginas talking, sex, what they like, what they wear, what they say, what is okay, what is taboo. This ol’ lesbian, single way too long, is runnin’ hot. Adrenaline, hormones, I am pumped. 
I feel at home in this company of beautiful women committed to action. We talk, we share, we laugh.  They are all tantalizing in one way or another.  Most of these ladies are straight.  Although flirting and friendship can be fun for all of us I steer clear of straight women for anything beyond that. Dangerous territory. Drunk, I hold on to the rail. Carefully, I allow the beauty of these women to touch me. It is exhilarating. 
I love women, strong women who have likely, at our age, found their strength through trial. Women who are feminine, soft, curves; women who allow life to touch them, to feel, to cry, to rise. Women who speak out, engage, yet are tender in their knowing of the challenges life can bring.
I imagine such a woman by my side, in my arms, a woman I admire as she stands tall in her passion, in her love of life and her love of humanity. A woman who in her way, quiet or bold or somewhere in between, is alive with purpose in her life. I imagine we will sing together, dance together, our lights shining ever brighter.  
We never really know when or where a meeting will happen.  Would this fine lady happen to be single?  Does she have an interest in women, in me? Fiercely independent, I long for companionship. I work hard and take my life rather seriously.  I don’t take much time to play outside my studio but imagine if I were to meet a beautiful woman and if we were to share a resonance, a mutual rapport, shall we say passion? I imagine it would be time well spent, a gift to the each and the both. I really do believe we were meant to travel in pairs.
I am grateful, these beautiful women have reminded me of things joyful, things sensual, things possible. They have reminded me of the beauty and strength found in our vulnerability. Thank you ladies.
Cast of “Vagina Monologues” Sedona 2013
Head down, buried in my work, I maintain a certain sobriety. 
Longing for abandon,  
Where are you my friend?
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